Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Confession

I take motherhood for granted, and I act childish about being a mother.

It's been tough for me to let myself fully assume the role of "mother", and not feel silly when I talk about motherhood, or child rearing, or calling myself "mama". I've asked myself "why?" so many times, and still haven't completely pinpointed the reason.

Do I have a hard time accepting that I am an adult, not a teen anymore, and this is what life brings as we age? Am I trying so hard not to become the typical Mormon mommy that I'm not allowing myself to exhibit motherhood at all? Maybe I don't feel that I can dub myself a "mother" after just one child, 10 months in? Like I'm some sort of poser?

But, today I realized that I need to freaking grow up. Stop thinking those silly thoughts and just dive right into motherhood. I already enjoy it, but I feel like I am holding back. The fact of the matter is, is that I AM a mother. A mother to a beautiful baby boy who depends on me and loves me. I need to cut the crap more often, and be real. I love my baby and love the role I've assumed to care for him, so why should I feel strange or uncomfortable talking about it?

I have been incredibly blessed with this new chapter of my life, and it's shameful that I take it for granted. It was not hard for us to get pregnant. Although not the most ideal nine months of my life, I had a fairly average pregnancy. How immature of me to not take a step back and realize, not just enjoy, the incredible gift I have been given of experiencing motherhood.

I am going to earnestly try from this day forward to take full advantage of motherhood, not shy away from it or give into fear of mothering, and bask in the little gems of our new life.

7 comments:

joshua said...

Spoken like a Mother...Love it

joshua said...

That last comment is from me Jackie Johnson, I'm just still logged into my hubbys account.

c.e.l.i.n.a said...

Does this mean I can play with Sammys toys during sacrament meeting?


blast.

You already are an amazing mother, so I am excited to see what this brings!

Ashley Thalman said...

I like you.

[Morgan] said...

i love you.

trying so hard not to be a mormon mother. oh how i feel you. i lived like this too, and then one day i woke up and asked myself "what the crap?"
i am a mother.
i am a mormon.
my kids are mormon.
i need to teach my kids how to be good mormons. and, all the sudden i was asking your sister to design me some "jesus wants me for a sunbeam" art for jonas' room.

same with being a mommy blogger. i think mommy bloggers rule. i didn't always. but, i do now.

anyway.

Jeff and Megan said...

Caitlynn we are best friends. So what if I don't know how to spell your name.

whitneyingram said...

I liked this. I remember the same "crisis" in my early mom years. You have to shut out what everyone thinks you are or should be and just be the kind of mom YOU want to be. Do and be what is important to you. There is a whole new identity you have to find and create once you become a mother. It can be hard. But once you find your groove, you are a better mom and wife. So I am glad you found your groove.

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